I can't believe it's been so long

since I last posted. We have found all of the gnomes at the dinosaur museum and I will update that as soon as I have time AND remember. I have gotten behind in scrapbooking. When I edit my pictures and have them printed at Costco I can't imagine what the cost will be!
I have been focusing on taking care of my mental health lately. I know some of you reading this won't understand but, you have to trust that I am doing the right thing. I honestly wish that I had never dieted. If I hadn't started after Jacob was born I think my weight would have naturally gone back to normal. Instead I made my entire focus FOOD. I thought I was so fat. I always have really. The more times I tried to lose weight the worse the problem became. My obsession with food grew more severe. Whenever I 'fell off the wagon' I gained more weight than I had weighed before. My metabolism got worse and worse from eating fake low calorie foods instead of trying listening to my body's needs.
I have been eating whatever I want, whenever I want it. I know this is not a solution for life but I also know that it IS a solution to me trusting myself again and not feeling like foods are 'taboo' or that I CAN'T have them, or even that I shouldn't. That denying myself is what got me into trouble in the first place.
The other part of the mental aspect is telling myself that I am beautiful and worthy of love no matter what I look like. Also rejecting thoughts that make me feel down and thinking positive thoughts instead.
I have gained plenty of weight and that's okay. I have to love myself no matter how I look, and gaining weight is just part of the process of trusting myself again. I try not to weigh myself and if my clothes start feeling snug it's time for bigger clothes. When I'm wearing tight clothes I feel horrible about myself. I feel like I'm just so fat I keep outgrowing all my clothes! When I'm wearing clothes that are loose and comfortable I can look at myself and see positive things like the shape of my figure and how nice certain colors look on me.
I have no idea how long this road will be but amazing things are already happening. I notice there will be a certain food I crave for a time, anywhere from a couple days to a month, and eventually, when I think about eating it, I realize I don't want it. For example, my favorite ice cream, peanut butter panic. I was eating quite a bit of that and gradually it wasn't so 'fulfilling' of my needs. Whenever I'd think I wanted it, picturing myself eating it, I realized what I actually wanted was.........WATER. Crazy I know.
Now I do not believe this is the strategy for all of the things people self-medicate with. Food might actually be the only one. I also don't necessarily think this is the solution for every person who eats their feelings. We're all different. We've all had different influences in our lives and different experiences. I do know that for myself, this is part of my healing process. Part of me panics every once in a while about how much weight I've gained and that I'm still gaining. Those times I have to remember that I have Heavenly Father's guidance, and that beauty is NOT what we believe it to be.
I was struck last night by that fact. A lady came on TV and it was immediately OBVIOUS that she had 'had some work done'. Some cosmetic surgery is just fine but we all know that people can go overboard and then look not natural. However, it is this unnatural look that more and more people are striving for. I realized that my kids could very well grow up being taught that this facelift look is what beautiful is! How very sad. I then thought about what my generation thinks is beautiful. Are only tone, thin, tan bodies beautiful? Absolutely not. And yet, that is what so many of us believe. We are so brainwashed that some people, influenced from years of pornography, can only be attracted to ridiculous and unreachable standards. They will have to abstain and gradually re-learn how to recognize true beauty. What we see in magazines is not real life. Even if there is no photo retouching done, there is still makeup, lighting, position, all kinds of things that you can only get sitting perfectly still and having a crew of people work on you.
I am learning to recognize myself as beautiful. I do hope that as I un-taboo food that I will turn to healthy ways of dealing with my problems and lose weight as a side-effect, but I try not to think of this often, as it is counter-productive to loving myself as I am no matter what that is. Of course I am also concerned about my health. I do not want to get any of the myriad of diseases that come with being overweight but, like I said, I am trusting and following the Lord. He knows what's best for me and He is guiding me through this. I cannot run before I learn to walk. I am taking this one step at a time. I also am trying to see if I can work out a way to get counseling weekly. I've wanted therapy for years and I know it can help me so much!
Wishing all of you the very best. You are in my prayers and thoughts.
-Katie