Let me give you a better idea of how I feel. (Hopefully; apparently I'm not as good as I thought at cleary writing my feelings).
(sigh) I feel like Jabba the Hut. That's the only way I can really think of to really get the point across. I feel like when I sit down I just (insert sound effect here) spread out, ooze, etc. I am going to stores and having to try on XXL sizes now, and sometimes they're not big enough. If something doesn't fit right, like a dress I tried on today that was way too big up top (above empire waist line) and too tight, meaning I can almost not pull it down, on the bottom, especially around my butt. But it's not the clothing manufacturer's fault in my mind, it's mine. I am SO disgustingly fat. I can 'feel' (not literally feel with my hand) my double chin, bloated and noticeable for all to see. The other day in the car I noticed the seat squeaking. I was horrified. It's not because the car is 10 years old, no not in my mind, it's because I'm so fat I have worn it out. If I felt fat when I was 150, 170, 185lbs, just imagine how I feel now at 195, and still growing. What am I to do? I don't know. When I diet it always backfires. ALWAYS. Dieting IS NOT an option for me. Unless I was locked in a room and had my perfectly balanced and perfectly sized meals brought to me. Even then, when I was let out of the locked room I wouldn't be able to help myself. Please, please understand, this is not just a lack of willpower it is something totally different that I don't know how to fix.
Everything I do is a failure in my mind. My therapist was telling me we just need to take baby steps and get failure out of my mind. She gave me an assignment to answer what being a daughter of God means to me. Well, I don't know. I know the sunday school answer I guess, but I don't really know what it means. And when I really think about it, I think, "Well, it means I have way more potential than I'm living up to now." Hmm, failure again. What is wrong with me? Even on the rare days that I feel better about myself, eating is still there. I just don't know what to do. I am going to a psychiatrist; I finally got my appointment today. It isn't until Feb 24. What the heck am I going to do until then? I'll probably be 205lbs by then. Many of you have tried to talk to me, given great advice, and I don't want you to feel like throwing up your hands and thinking I don't listen. I do. It just doesn't stick. I just don't understand. An even better way to put it is that it just doesn't compute. Like when you put a dvd in your drive and after making some noise it opens back up, like spitting it out. It cannot accept it.
The sad thing is that I also felt this way when I was thin, it is just a lot worse now. I always felt so fat before. Funny enough, now that I am actually fat, in my mind I am skinnier. It's always surprising (in a very bad way) to see myself in the mirror.
Oh and let's not forget what comes along with gaining weight. Higher blood pressure, rashes from skin rubbing together, and it's harder to breath. :(
I know I might need medication, and if so it's ok, but I really hope I can be on some that actually works this time, and that doesn't have horrible side effects. But even then, I feel like I will never stop overeating, never be thin, and never think of myself as having worth.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Binge Eating Disorder
I have diagnosed myself with this. And don't roll your eyes, please, I have been researching this for many months and I truly believe I have it. I will copy and past some descriptions to help you understand what I have been going through.
"Binge eating is different from normal appetite increases or overeating from time to time. People with a binge eating problem consume unusually large amounts of food on a regular basis. They often eat quickly, do other things while eating (like watch TV or do homework), and don't stop eating when they're full. People who binge eat are usually overweight — even obese — because they habitually consume more calories than their bodies can use. As a result, they may feel bad about themselves and about their bodies.
Binge eating involves more than just eating a lot. People with this problem don't want to be overweight. They wish they could be trim and control their weight. Many times people who binge eat feel misunderstood. It's not as easy as others might think to just stop eating. With binge eating, a person feels out of control and powerless to stop eating while doing it. That's why binge eating is also called compulsive overeating.
Emotions often play a role. People with a binge eating problem may overeat when they feel stressed, upset, hurt, or angry. Many find it comforting and soothing to eat, but after a binge they're likely to feel guilty and sad about the out-of-control eating. Binge eating is often a mixed-up way of dealing with or avoiding difficult emotions. Usually, people who binge eat aren't aware of what's driving them to overeat.
Some people may be more prone to overeating for biological reasons. For example, the hypothalamus (the part of the brain that controls appetite) may fail to send proper messages about hunger and fullness. And serotonin, a normal brain chemical that affects mood and some compulsive behaviors, may also play a role in binge eating.
Unlike a problem with drugs or alcohol where part of the treatment is avoiding the substance altogether, people still have to eat. This can make it harder for someone with a binge eating problem to overcome it because the temptation to overeat is always there. So part of dealing with a binge eating disorder is learning how to have a healthy relationship with food.
As with any eating disorder, there is no quick fix for binge eating. Treatment can take several months or longer while someone learns a healthier approach to food. But with the right guidance, commitment, and practice, it is possible to overcome old habits and replace them with healthier behaviors."
Also I have suffered from depression off and on since childhood, not realizing it until about 7 years ago. The last seven years have been 'on' years. I also know I have very much anxiety and fears and am going to see a psychiatrist for a professional opinion. Is the depression a result of the eating disorder or a whole separate issue? Do I have an anxiety disorder that needs medication? I hope not. I also hope I don't need it for depression, I just got off of my others. Granted, getting off the meds has helped me to truly recognize all the troubles, which may hint at my needing meds, but I hope not. I also am seeing a psychologist to help me see my thoughts clearly and how they affect me, and to learn how to change them. ALSO I will be going to my first EDA Eating Disorders Anonymous meeting early next week. I cannot see how I will ever be healed, but I am willing to try. I really want to. From my current point of view, I will always eat for any reason and no reason at all, and continue gaining weight until I am morbidly obese...but I have read stories of others who are in recovery as a result of going to EDA and I really hope it can happen for me too.
"Binge eating is different from normal appetite increases or overeating from time to time. People with a binge eating problem consume unusually large amounts of food on a regular basis. They often eat quickly, do other things while eating (like watch TV or do homework), and don't stop eating when they're full. People who binge eat are usually overweight — even obese — because they habitually consume more calories than their bodies can use. As a result, they may feel bad about themselves and about their bodies.
Binge eating involves more than just eating a lot. People with this problem don't want to be overweight. They wish they could be trim and control their weight. Many times people who binge eat feel misunderstood. It's not as easy as others might think to just stop eating. With binge eating, a person feels out of control and powerless to stop eating while doing it. That's why binge eating is also called compulsive overeating.
Emotions often play a role. People with a binge eating problem may overeat when they feel stressed, upset, hurt, or angry. Many find it comforting and soothing to eat, but after a binge they're likely to feel guilty and sad about the out-of-control eating. Binge eating is often a mixed-up way of dealing with or avoiding difficult emotions. Usually, people who binge eat aren't aware of what's driving them to overeat.
Some people may be more prone to overeating for biological reasons. For example, the hypothalamus (the part of the brain that controls appetite) may fail to send proper messages about hunger and fullness. And serotonin, a normal brain chemical that affects mood and some compulsive behaviors, may also play a role in binge eating.
Unlike a problem with drugs or alcohol where part of the treatment is avoiding the substance altogether, people still have to eat. This can make it harder for someone with a binge eating problem to overcome it because the temptation to overeat is always there. So part of dealing with a binge eating disorder is learning how to have a healthy relationship with food.
As with any eating disorder, there is no quick fix for binge eating. Treatment can take several months or longer while someone learns a healthier approach to food. But with the right guidance, commitment, and practice, it is possible to overcome old habits and replace them with healthier behaviors."
Also I have suffered from depression off and on since childhood, not realizing it until about 7 years ago. The last seven years have been 'on' years. I also know I have very much anxiety and fears and am going to see a psychiatrist for a professional opinion. Is the depression a result of the eating disorder or a whole separate issue? Do I have an anxiety disorder that needs medication? I hope not. I also hope I don't need it for depression, I just got off of my others. Granted, getting off the meds has helped me to truly recognize all the troubles, which may hint at my needing meds, but I hope not. I also am seeing a psychologist to help me see my thoughts clearly and how they affect me, and to learn how to change them. ALSO I will be going to my first EDA Eating Disorders Anonymous meeting early next week. I cannot see how I will ever be healed, but I am willing to try. I really want to. From my current point of view, I will always eat for any reason and no reason at all, and continue gaining weight until I am morbidly obese...but I have read stories of others who are in recovery as a result of going to EDA and I really hope it can happen for me too.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Laying Down the Law
I know I need some changes in my life and two special people helped me decide what some of those changes would be. Thanks Christy and Rachel. :) Last night I drew up schedules for school mornings, bedtimes, and after school. I kind of already had these schedules going, but not as strict and spelled out for everyone else.
At the dinner table I first laid down the law about food. I told the kids that what I made them to eat, whether for breakfast lunch or dinner, they would eat, even if they didn't like it, or they wouldn't eat at all. We already do this to some degree, but I want to start being a lot better about actually making dinners, having a plan, and not having random items thrown together like applesauce, V8, and cereal, or whatever other crazy 'meals' the kids come up with. I did tell them that I would try to make things they like, but that sometimes they just won't like what I make and they need to eat it anyway because it's better than not having any food at all.
Next I laid out the new schedules for them: Wake-up time on school days (church days too, with slightly altered times) School starts at 8am.
7:00am Go potty and get dressed
7:15am Eat breakfast
7:30am Brush teeth and hair
Then we leave when ready, 7:45-7:50
After school
2:30pm After school snack
2:40pm Homework (ALL, including 20 minutes of reading time)
Then he can play
Bedtime
7:00pm Story (this one is way too easy for me and the kids to skip, but it's so important)
7:15pm Jammies and brush teeth
7:30pm Scripture reading and kids' personal prayers
7:45pm Potty and in bed! Also family prayer
So, yesterday was great, kids ate their veggies and spaghetti for dinner, and I can't wait to see the results of my hard work and sticking with it. There is a bit of room to wiggle, like if Jacob doesn't get up until 7:05 or 7:10...and if he is all ready in the morning with extra time, he can play some game time, but I think the structure is really going to help. I might just print up some decorative posters of the schedule and laminate them.
At the dinner table I first laid down the law about food. I told the kids that what I made them to eat, whether for breakfast lunch or dinner, they would eat, even if they didn't like it, or they wouldn't eat at all. We already do this to some degree, but I want to start being a lot better about actually making dinners, having a plan, and not having random items thrown together like applesauce, V8, and cereal, or whatever other crazy 'meals' the kids come up with. I did tell them that I would try to make things they like, but that sometimes they just won't like what I make and they need to eat it anyway because it's better than not having any food at all.
Next I laid out the new schedules for them: Wake-up time on school days (church days too, with slightly altered times) School starts at 8am.
7:00am Go potty and get dressed
7:15am Eat breakfast
7:30am Brush teeth and hair
Then we leave when ready, 7:45-7:50
After school
2:30pm After school snack
2:40pm Homework (ALL, including 20 minutes of reading time)
Then he can play
Bedtime
7:00pm Story (this one is way too easy for me and the kids to skip, but it's so important)
7:15pm Jammies and brush teeth
7:30pm Scripture reading and kids' personal prayers
7:45pm Potty and in bed! Also family prayer
So, yesterday was great, kids ate their veggies and spaghetti for dinner, and I can't wait to see the results of my hard work and sticking with it. There is a bit of room to wiggle, like if Jacob doesn't get up until 7:05 or 7:10...and if he is all ready in the morning with extra time, he can play some game time, but I think the structure is really going to help. I might just print up some decorative posters of the schedule and laminate them.
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