Let me give you a better idea of how I feel. (Hopefully; apparently I'm not as good as I thought at cleary writing my feelings).
(sigh) I feel like Jabba the Hut. That's the only way I can really think of to really get the point across. I feel like when I sit down I just (insert sound effect here) spread out, ooze, etc. I am going to stores and having to try on XXL sizes now, and sometimes they're not big enough. If something doesn't fit right, like a dress I tried on today that was way too big up top (above empire waist line) and too tight, meaning I can almost not pull it down, on the bottom, especially around my butt. But it's not the clothing manufacturer's fault in my mind, it's mine. I am SO disgustingly fat. I can 'feel' (not literally feel with my hand) my double chin, bloated and noticeable for all to see. The other day in the car I noticed the seat squeaking. I was horrified. It's not because the car is 10 years old, no not in my mind, it's because I'm so fat I have worn it out. If I felt fat when I was 150, 170, 185lbs, just imagine how I feel now at 195, and still growing. What am I to do? I don't know. When I diet it always backfires. ALWAYS. Dieting IS NOT an option for me. Unless I was locked in a room and had my perfectly balanced and perfectly sized meals brought to me. Even then, when I was let out of the locked room I wouldn't be able to help myself. Please, please understand, this is not just a lack of willpower it is something totally different that I don't know how to fix.
Everything I do is a failure in my mind. My therapist was telling me we just need to take baby steps and get failure out of my mind. She gave me an assignment to answer what being a daughter of God means to me. Well, I don't know. I know the sunday school answer I guess, but I don't really know what it means. And when I really think about it, I think, "Well, it means I have way more potential than I'm living up to now." Hmm, failure again. What is wrong with me? Even on the rare days that I feel better about myself, eating is still there. I just don't know what to do. I am going to a psychiatrist; I finally got my appointment today. It isn't until Feb 24. What the heck am I going to do until then? I'll probably be 205lbs by then. Many of you have tried to talk to me, given great advice, and I don't want you to feel like throwing up your hands and thinking I don't listen. I do. It just doesn't stick. I just don't understand. An even better way to put it is that it just doesn't compute. Like when you put a dvd in your drive and after making some noise it opens back up, like spitting it out. It cannot accept it.
The sad thing is that I also felt this way when I was thin, it is just a lot worse now. I always felt so fat before. Funny enough, now that I am actually fat, in my mind I am skinnier. It's always surprising (in a very bad way) to see myself in the mirror.
Oh and let's not forget what comes along with gaining weight. Higher blood pressure, rashes from skin rubbing together, and it's harder to breath. :(
I know I might need medication, and if so it's ok, but I really hope I can be on some that actually works this time, and that doesn't have horrible side effects. But even then, I feel like I will never stop overeating, never be thin, and never think of myself as having worth.
4 comments:
I think you are beautiful. :)
I wish I knew what to say to you about all this Kate (I called today wanting to swing by when you were going to be getting in the shower, so you know who I am). Are you publishing all this because you actually want feedback? Or is this more of a public journal that you use to organize your thoughts and put them to words? I know that sometimes the best thing to do is to just get the feelings out without having someone try to "fix" you or the situation. Would you mind posting some advice to us, your cheerleaders, as to how we can best serve you? I know that there's a lot of people reading this who want to help but aren't sure what you want or need!
I know I am posting it to get it out and organized, and so that those who love me know what I'm going through. I welcome support, and for those who actually understand because they've gone through something similar (or are going through) I would welcome advice if they want. What I don't want are suggestions like what to eat that's healthy that will 'fill me up' or ideas to distract me from eating...little strategies like that just won't cut it right now and it's frustrating to receive that kind of advice because it feels like people are saying, Just do this (enter advice here), you'll see, it will help, when I actually can't just do it. I'm not even going to re read that as it is late so it probably doesn't make sense but, I tried. :) Sorry. And thanks so much for your support.
There was a time when I quit weighing because I hit 200 lbs. Ironically, I weighed the most I ever have at a time in my life when I was the most simple it would ever be - I was serving a mission and knew that all that mattered was that I was bearing my testimony and serving the Lord. I didn't realize how large I had gotten and was always surprised when I looked in the mirror, caught a glimpse of myself in a window or tried to put on clothes with a waist band.
I often look at those pictures and remember how my weight really didn't matter. My family still loved me. The Lord still loved me. What mattered was that it was hard for me to breath - especially when I would sit down. It mattered that I wasn't being healthy. It mattered that climbing the stairs wore me out.
Sometimes taking baby steps is the only thing that we can do.
I had to change the way I ate - I had to say no to seconds and no to dessert - even though I would think about the ice cream or dessert well into the next day - wondering how it tasted and wishing I would have just tried it.
But with baby steps, the change is gradual and we can barely notice we're changing - that is until we look back at all the baby steps we took.
I hope that you know you have a wonderful support system. Your family loves you. Your friends and neighbors are here for you. And we're praying for your baby steps.
Post a Comment