BITTERSWEET

Sweet. It's happening I can feel it. I am overcoming overeating. I am so excited and thrilled and happy!! And yet, so sad and dissapointed in a strange way. It has been said that with recovery from any addiction comes 'loss' and you have to mourn that loss. Well, now I believe it.

I can finally eat completely normal again after being sick for days and most everything I considered eating just didn't sound good. (This did start before the sickness also). It's like I don't really know what I like to eat and am having to figure it out now. Also, do I really like eating anymore? Sometimes, not always. Sometimes I just am hungry and have to decide on something! I will paraphrase an excerpt from Overcoming Overeating, 'When offered a piece of cake (or certain type of food) someone replying "No thanks I'm not hungry" or "No, I don't want that right now" sound completely foreign to a compulsive overeater.'

When I read that I so identified with it! It was unimaginable to me!! I had forgotten how to eat. I had forgotten how to know if I was hungry or not, and listen to my body! Now I'm starting to remember! I used to refuse to make cookies (or whatever) for a function because I didn't want to agonize and distract myself in order to not eat them! Tonight I made Mike cinnamon rolls for dinner before he got home and I never ate even one! I just didn't want one!!!!

So, now to the bitter part. I feel like I did when I had my conversion and there were certain friends that I still loved dearly, but didn't want to hang out with anymore. Not just because I 'shouldn't' but because it made me uncomfortable and I could tell the Spirit would (or wanted to) leave. I was very happy, happier than I had ever been in life, but sad to lose those friends.

I feel like by not turning to food for every emotion I have and binging, and sometimes not even wanting to eat, that I'm losing a friend. Like I'm losing companionship. Sad, yes, but true.

Well, I know so far that I like yogurt, oranges, sometimes sweets like doughnuts and candy, cereal, taquitos, Cafe Rio quesadillas....I will continue to learn!

Like I said before I most likely will gain some weight (I'm not weighing myself) while 'coming down' off of a dieting lifestyle because sometimes I eat more than I know I need because I'm physched that I'm actually letting myself eat it but, I have faith that as I learn how to listen to my body, and get back to exercising (cut out because I was too sick), my body will stablize at it's 'natural weight' whatever that may be, and I won't have to worry about it. I just am so happy to be free of feeling like I have to look a certain way or wear a certain size or eat a certain way!!!

FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!

The Davids

I can't say I'm torn, really. I want David Cook to win American Idol. What can I say, I'm a rock fan! But I also wouldn't mind if David Archuleta wins. Both of their performances tonight were so awesome!!! I had chills the whole time they were singing!!! Wow. What a wonderful talent to have! How can just hearing someone sing cause us to feel so deeply? You can convey such strong emotion through music that you cannot do any other way.

Hilarious!!!

(Jim kneels) "Hey Pam........will you wait for me one second while I tie my shoe?"

Mike's 28th Birthday!

This post is a little late. Mike's bday was on the 4th. We celebrated Luau style in lieu of going to Hawaii! :) Enjoy the pictures.

Weight

I wanted to make sure it was clear that I do expect to gain some weight before possibly losing some or just stablizing. I am not being naive about that and it is very scary. I would rather live and accept myself at not my 'ideal' weight and not have to deal with compulsive eating and the severe stress it brings, than diet, binge, diet, binge, for the rest of my life, trying to live and ideal weight that 'the world' made up for me.

First Slideshow

Legalizing

I've given myself the freedom to eat anything I want, anytime I want and vowed NEVER to go on a diet again-NEVER deprive myself from any food again-Really. It is called 'legalizing' foods. Nothing is off limits. If I want it I can have it and I make sure to have plenty on hand so that the amount I eat is not determined by the amount in my cupboard.

It is amazing how many foods I find that I don't truly like, just because it is okay to have them!! Right now I have things like mint oreos, Zingers, strawberry newtons, powdered donettes, fudge PB haystack type cookies, butterfinger bar (with one bite taken out of it because when I tasted it I didn't want it), real butter, rolls, cheese and crackers and it goes on and on! I walk by them trying to decide what I want to eat at that moment and I just don't want them. It took me almost 2 days to open my mint chocolate chip ice cream! I threw away a chocolate cake after one bite because it was gross and boring!!! *I* actually forgot that I had a butterfinger in the house!!!!! Me!!!!

As I do this I find myself wanting less food. Normally if I went off my 'diet' and ate things I 'shouldn't' I would have as much as I could in the time frame I had before I went back on my diet, not really paying attention to the taste and especially not paying attention to if I was full or not.

I FEEL SO FREE!!!! I am hoping that pretty soon I will really go back to eating on demand like when I was a kid and knew I wasn't hungry. Once I've truly convinced myself that I won't ever deprive myself of a food I want again, I know that I will crave less and eat less and be at whatever my normal weight for my body is without going up and down from binging then dieting. That is another tough part, accepting my body for whatever weight it decides to be. I am so excited and getting better at accepting myself for how Heavenly Father designed me to be. :)

I also threw out my scale battery and put my scale in the closet. I wasn't quite ready to get rid of the scale yet but I will be someday. In the meantime I'm not weighing myself.

I will keep you posted.

Overcoming Overeating

I am reading a new book called Overcoming Overeating. After reading a lot of people's stories who have followed the advice/direction in this book, I am very hopeful and very skeptical at the same time. I will let you know when I finish it, and also about my (hopefully) progress as I go. :)

THE OFFICE IS BACK!

Yay!! I am so happy to see some new 'Office'! I felt so sorry for Michael...and Jan too, in a different way. I thought this episode was painfully hilarious! Hope you all enjoyed it as well.

Just the Finishing Touch Carpentry

Mike found a new job! Just in time, too. His boss at Clean Cut Carpentry had a couple of weeks of work for him but that has run out now. Monday he starts with his new boss, Paul, at 'Just the Finishing Touch Carpentry'. We're very excited! Hopefully the jobs won't be too far away, the work was said to be steady, and maybe it will even pay better! :)

We're still struggling a little bit financially as his work hasn't been steady but we're getting help and doing okay!

Aloha Hawaii

:'( We are not going to Hawaii after all. First Aloha Airlines went out of business and we had to switch some of our flights to make sure we could all get home. Papa was on the phone for 4 hours. The new airline to accomodate us was ATA. Yes, they too have now gone out of business; the day after we got everything figured out. We are thinking now is just not the right time!

All we can do is laugh whenever we think about it because we just can't believe it!!

On another note, Mike has had work with his same company, Clean Cut Carpentry for almost 2 weeks now so that's great. Hopefully it will stay that way and he won't have to switch at all. It does make it hard having had him out of work for about 2 weeks but, at least we have some money still from our tax refund. Phew!

Hope everyone is doing great!