BITTERSWEET

Sweet. It's happening I can feel it. I am overcoming overeating. I am so excited and thrilled and happy!! And yet, so sad and dissapointed in a strange way. It has been said that with recovery from any addiction comes 'loss' and you have to mourn that loss. Well, now I believe it.

I can finally eat completely normal again after being sick for days and most everything I considered eating just didn't sound good. (This did start before the sickness also). It's like I don't really know what I like to eat and am having to figure it out now. Also, do I really like eating anymore? Sometimes, not always. Sometimes I just am hungry and have to decide on something! I will paraphrase an excerpt from Overcoming Overeating, 'When offered a piece of cake (or certain type of food) someone replying "No thanks I'm not hungry" or "No, I don't want that right now" sound completely foreign to a compulsive overeater.'

When I read that I so identified with it! It was unimaginable to me!! I had forgotten how to eat. I had forgotten how to know if I was hungry or not, and listen to my body! Now I'm starting to remember! I used to refuse to make cookies (or whatever) for a function because I didn't want to agonize and distract myself in order to not eat them! Tonight I made Mike cinnamon rolls for dinner before he got home and I never ate even one! I just didn't want one!!!!

So, now to the bitter part. I feel like I did when I had my conversion and there were certain friends that I still loved dearly, but didn't want to hang out with anymore. Not just because I 'shouldn't' but because it made me uncomfortable and I could tell the Spirit would (or wanted to) leave. I was very happy, happier than I had ever been in life, but sad to lose those friends.

I feel like by not turning to food for every emotion I have and binging, and sometimes not even wanting to eat, that I'm losing a friend. Like I'm losing companionship. Sad, yes, but true.

Well, I know so far that I like yogurt, oranges, sometimes sweets like doughnuts and candy, cereal, taquitos, Cafe Rio quesadillas....I will continue to learn!

Like I said before I most likely will gain some weight (I'm not weighing myself) while 'coming down' off of a dieting lifestyle because sometimes I eat more than I know I need because I'm physched that I'm actually letting myself eat it but, I have faith that as I learn how to listen to my body, and get back to exercising (cut out because I was too sick), my body will stablize at it's 'natural weight' whatever that may be, and I won't have to worry about it. I just am so happy to be free of feeling like I have to look a certain way or wear a certain size or eat a certain way!!!

FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!