Philosopher

Don't we all feel that we are philosophers deep down? I certainly do. It's sad that so many women and girls only think they are pretty if they are thin. Who said extra soft bigger curvy bodies aren't attractive? I am starting to change my view on this and it's wonderful! It's also sad that men and boys are feeling the same about themselves more and more. If they're not thin and muscular they're not attractive. Not true! I am really starting to question a lot of things I subconciously thought were true and seeing the truth. We all should do what we can as individuals to be healthy so that we can live long lives with our families, but what we can do is different for each person and changes as our lives change.

Now in trying to learn how to not overeat junk food and all food in general I have gained some weight. I knew this would happen but when it did I went into panic mode. I obviously still think I am fat and ugly when I gain weight even though I can see that other people are not. I was panicked about getting larger and so I did what I do when I freak out - I ate and ate!! So of course I gained some more weight. Now I can't seem to break this cycle of eating just to eat-again.

I'm going to try this meal plan for 4 days because you're supposed to lose 18lbs in that 4 days. I had to pay for it but if you're not satisfied you get your money back. I don't believe it will work but it sounds so fantastical I wanted to try. I know that after I stop eating that way some or all of the weight will come back. I am using it (if it works) as a launching pad to try and take care of myself better. After 'legalizing' all food I am now ready to start some self care. If I cared about myself more I wouldn't let myself eat junk until I had a stomachache every night, now would I? I wouldn't let my children do that, why should I let myself?

Something has come to my attention that I am very grateful for. And let me say that I am grateful it is JUST what I am about to explain and nothing more. Mike and I were eating Cafe Rio pork quesadillas last night for dinner. Mike said, "Now this is something I could just eat and eat. I could stop right now, but I just keep eating." I replied, "Because it's sooo good?!" He agreed.

I am very grateful for him to have this tiny glimpse of understanding about what I am going through. People that are not compulsive overeaters don't understand what we go through. Imagine if everything you ate that you liked you felt this way about? You just wanted to keep eating and eating and eating. Now it is more than it seems on the surface. It is more than food just tasting good. There are deep emotional reasons behind overeating just as there are behind alcoholism and other things. But on the surface, you feel so out of control because you just want more of that good taste.

I would never wish this upon anyone but I am very grateful to have my best friend, my husband, able to understand a little of what I feel.